Funny things

Funny how when you are beat down nearly to death, and weaker then you could imagine, some of our best inspiration hits us hard at that time. Well I have seen this coming for many years, and it is high time I stop turning away from it, and embrace it for what it really is. I have no idea what this means. Could mean I quit using all computers and tech, shut down Wicked Radio, and just pursue criminal justice. Since nobody every helps me think about things I always make bad choices, so this time i will not make anymore choices a lone, no matter what situation i get put in, I do not want to have to think about everything logically and under extreme pressure. If you want to help please comment on here from time to time. PS I need lots n lots of friends, I only know 2 people in person anymore and that is not enough to keep the thought of humanity going inside my mind/
-Where am I and why am I in this basket?-

Hospital again!

I know it has been quite some time between posting. That was because I thought I have my gastroparesis and Diabetes under control. Boy was I wrong! I am stuck in intensive care unit right now with only a laptop to keep me company even though I'm growing more and More pissed off because I cannot my my fingers work like they used to. So fuck it there will be typos until myself or someone else actually cares enough to make it right. Thursday the 1st of august i woke up really sick to my stomach and puking into my trash can. I thought maybe this was just another sour stomach flu that I heard was going around. after about 7 solid hours of nonstop puling, bile, blood, and other mystery fluids I decided to have my dad drive me to Madison, WI to Meriter hospital where I generally Gert outstanding treatment. I was rushed up to a room and admitted to the hospital within 10 minutes after arriving. I feel with the rate of typo's on this blog and the lame distractions from puissant Jen who wont shut about about how great and clean she feels. joy to the guy smelling like dirty diaper in the hospital bed.i will blog later this shit has me all pissed off now

who really reads this shit?

do people really read these blogs? oh well. man life is just shit out there. people like me that cannot be a regular part of a society that condemns us. thats what it is all about. Society is bullshit, the biggest scam posh club. oh we have to do what society says is right, well fuck that i'm gonna do what i want. i'm gonna party, i'm gonna fuck my life up, i'm gonna hack the hell out of networks regardless of laws, or someone's petty feelings. FUCK SOCIETY! it is the bottom of the barrel. live for the dollar oh yeah that is fun and worthwhile, so by the time you make all your millions you missed all the great shit life has to offer. not that anyone reads this shit anyways so this will be my last post on here. nobody ever gave a shit about me or wicked radio, they only were interested in something higher then me. so fuck that. Wicked Radio is closed officially. I hate everyone now, 99% of the people in this internet are full of shit liars. pathological liars that come out to play on the internet because it is hard to verify the pure bullshit that flows from their flaccid mouths. maybe i was not meant to be on earth yet, somehow i came before I was supposed to be here. So this is my exit to the world. Deshi and this life is over and gone. There is no more Deshi James Volanti. He had a good run at life, and realized it was not ready. Maybe he will come back in another life, or perhaps in another world. This world as it is had no place for people like Deshi. Now I'm Nothing.

Living with Gastroparesis

Joshua Rundle

Life with a rare disease can be overwhelming a lot of the time. It can break anyone, it doesn’t matter if you are a body builder, or a computer programmer. This disease can test your ability to handle things most people would rather die than deal with. I have been living with Gastroparesis, and type 2 Diabetes for over 11 years now, and I am ready for the end to come for me.

Most of my childhood was normal minus having type 1 diabetes, so I was what I would say overprotected by my family. It also caused a lot of anxiety issues I believe, because you always had to be sure you were prepared anytime you left the house. The only things I really missed out on as a child was the parties, and meeting other kids. I did not have more than one or two friends growing up. A lot of kids couldn’t handle being around me for fear of getting it. At this point in my life there is nothing from my childhood I regret, or want to do over.

It was when I was just about to turn 20 when I had the gastroparesis (GP) first start to set in. Many trips to the ER with my girlfriend spending days on end in just the ER. Then it slowly turned to being admitted in the hospital for sometimes 2 weeks or more trying to figure out what was going wrong with me. Stomach emptying tests using radioactive elements, upper and lower G.I’s. For years I felt like a test lab rat. I had a lot of doctors say things like “well we will just keep poking at it till it gets better”. It never got better, it only got much worse.

I finally found a really good doctor when I was 22 and he helped me out a lot. He first diagnosed me with the GP, and began to try different experimental treatments since there was nothing on the market already for this horrible disease. Some of the medications I got came from Canada because the USA would not approve them for sale here. Things were rolling but I wouldn’t say progress was being made with the GP.

Now until here you have heard about the disease, and a little bit about what it does. Now you will hear about the horrible side of things, and why I am so ready to end my life on my own and be done with a world that seems to of lost compassion. The GP has deadly effects. I sometimes vomit 40+ times per hour. It causes severe retching that can lead to an aneurysm. I have lost 15 pounds in a matter of days from throwing up so often, and having tissue get burned up. I can eat just about anything I want and not gain weight, so I am generally always way underweight. Then there is the ever-present pain. This pain never totally goes away either. Imagine you have a blender in your stomach on frappe that is what it feels like on a good day. On a bad day the pain is so bad it makes me puke and black out for an hour at a time. I suffer chronic pain and nausea from the nerve damage and again nothing helps.

What have I tried for treatments? Glad you asked. I have tried almost everything here and abroad. Zofran, Compazine, and Phenergan all 3 failed for nausea. Ativan also failed for nausea but does help slightly with the muscle spasms in my stomach. Dilaudid is the only pain medication that actually worked and worked well, but the doctor I see claims it will do more harm than good because narcotics will slow down my already slow guy and intestines, but I could give a rat’s ass about that, I do have Miralax to keep things normal. I would rather live with the side effect then to have the pain and nausea. Oh yeah the dilaudid also prevents most of the nausea. The only other medication that has helped at all is marijuana believe it or not. It kills the nausea totally dead, brings the pain down to a level I can deal with, gives me a bit of energy, makes me want to eat, and generally makes me feel like a human.

I don’t know when doctors stopped being compassionate, or perhaps I always end up with the wrong doctor. The meds I do need to feel comfortable and have a quality of life back they will not give me because so many “others” abuse it. Well I am not others, and I am tired of hurting so much. I am Tired of being stuck in a house all the time with no human contact. That takes me to the next step of this paper, life without friends.

I never did have many friends growing up, and into my adult life I just sort of got really picky and generally just talked to people on the Internet. Most people I know locally don’t seem to want to come here to spend time with me. I hate it that I have to try and drive myself to people places risking my freedom because I have no drivers license, and risking my life because I can’t drive very well anymore due to loss of vision and loss of feelings in my feet. Nothing sucks worse then being in the middle of a small GP flare up and having nobody to help you even get to the bathroom. I have had to call 911 most of the times I get that sick because nobody can or will take me the 40 miles to the good hospital. The local hospital is a joke, it is mostly old folks living there and most of the medical floors are shut down. In this hospital at Edgerton Community Hospital I have literally had nurses and doctors yell at me saying it was my fault, and that I didn’t try hard enough. Had doctors say stuff like “oh your gastroparesis shouldn’t hurt that bad” how the hell would he know, nerve damage I am sure feels different to most everyone. Then they labeled me drug seeking and every time I go in there now before they say anything they be sure to tell me they will not give me a narcotic. Which is fine as long as they do have something that will work, and in my history nothing but dilaudid has stopped the GP flare ups.

If you think that is the worst of it think again, yeah I know this is a sad story. I have no medical assistance, no insurance, no help whatsoever. I sometimes I have scam people online or steal things and pawn them just to get medications to stay alive. I get denied off every program and they never flat out say why. I tried social security they said I have to have work credits, Medicare said I had to be 65 or older, the local help you have to pay just to apply so that is not happening. I can only work from home now so finding a legitimate job is very difficult. I have no source of any income, I am a student in college only so I can get more loans to help pay for meds but student loans are very small compared to the high cost of my medications and treatments.

So that is my short paper on life with this disease. I wake up every morning wanting to overdose and die, I hate life, I hate humanity now, I even hate myself because something inside tells me maybe it is all my fault and I didn’t try hard enough. Who knows? I am not a doctor so I couldn’t tell yah. Maybe someday there will be a cure or at least a working treatment. Until that time I will lay here suffering, begging the reaper to come take my life while I sleep tonight.

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Yet another day

Yet another day has passed. Yes it feels great! OK so it is not so great, just another day huh? I am thinking about departing with Wicked Radio and letting it die. I have done that part of my life for a long ass time, and I think it is time to let it go and move on to other things. I am thinking a lot about producing a video series on ustream and stickam streaming video networks. I am also doing a lot more work with my comedy act trying to tweak it and make it better for stage performances. I guess I will keep blogging here for those wanting to keep up on what I have going on. There is a lot of side projects going for the spring and summer months. I will be bringing back DeshiCom and try to get some sort of career going in case my comedy does not pay the bills. That is all for now, Deshi out...

once again im fucked

Once again Wicked Radio is down. This might be the case for it from now on. People were not donating nearly enough every month for me to lease hosting for all the services I use. The free hosting I was getting turned out to be shit, and seems to of gone down and it has been a week now so I do not think it is coming back up. This downtime has caused me to stop doing shows. There is no place for me to host the large amount of podcast audio and video files. I also had failed a class in school due to this downtime since I was hosting a project web site for class on the web server and had no way to back it up when i needed it most. This is yet again another chapter in my bullshit life. Perhaps Wicked Radio was meant to die out now after 20 years of being on the air. I just cannot afford to pay to keep it up and running, there are no real sponsors out there that wanted to help out with things, nor were there any users that were able to support the costs of running stuff. Hell half the time all the volunteers would flake out and bail on me after barely helping with anything at all. It is no wonder WIKD failed, I chose all the wrong people to help out. Nice how people are so eager to help and then bail on you when you need them most. So fuck it, so be it. If people want wicked radio to return you need to make donations on paypal to radio@wickedradio.org. Need to raise at least $100 a month to be able to lease a dedicated server that will be able to run everything needed to get WIKD back on the Internet. I know I have been on FM but there is not much demand for FM around here anymore so I am shutting that off too, and probably won't be ever turning it back on. Wicked Radio was the biggest thing in my life for 20 years and now it was just taken away that quickly, so I must find something else to fill my time such as making music or doing my comedy on stage. So a big FUCK YOU to everyone that bailed on me and helped lead up to this disaster!

Help me get back home!

Right now I am trying to raise $75 to get back up to Wisconsin for both a job and to get a tumor removed from my pancreas. Please make a donation to the right. I should of had the money all set from the last job I did but I got paid half up front, and when the job was complete the dude just disappeared on us leaving me short for the trip. So please I am begging anyone that sees this to help out. I have till midnight halloween to be able to have my funds together or I miss the opportunity.

Life in Florida

Well so far so good. Living here in Florida is amazing. The weather, the wildlife, the people, they are all great! I am now getting on the rental agreement with the trailer park I am staying in with my girlfriend. She asked me to stay here and wants to pursue a long term relationship with me. I guess life comes in funny packaging sometimes. The only gripes I really have is about the beer laws here. 40 ounce beers are illegal in Florida, you can only get 32oz or smaller, and no more gallon sizes for hard liquor, but you can buy from 7am till 3am and in Miami-Daed county you can buy 24 hours a day how about that shit! I am living in this very nice well kept double wide trailer in a private trailer park just outside Ocala, in the town of Silver Springs. I am about a block away from a decent gas station, and I can even walk into Ocala in about 20 minutes or so to get to wal-mart or other decent stores. I have yet to learn the town, and I still need to become a resident to qualify for the medical stuff, so I am still in need of those donations readers! I am sitting on a half stock of medicine and supplies, and will need to refill long before I am a resident. So please lend a hand with this crazy bastard so I can keep on living the dream.

Made it to Florida

Well I made it to Florida after 2 grueling days on the greyhound bus. And I just discovered the most fucked up alcohol laws. In Florida 40 ounces are illegal!!! WTF! I live on 40's so now I have to drink 32's. all alcohol must be 153 proof or lower and no larger then 32 ounces. and if you live in Tampa bay you cannot eat cottage cheese on sunday's haha how about that. Well things are going great so far. I am getting settled in. I will blog more later.

Moving

It is official now as I have a bus ticket for next monday night to head to Ocala, Florida. I am excited. I am unable to really post much right now I am getting shit ready to make my break from lame ass Wisconsin. This crazy nigga will have gone from west coast to east coast once this move is complete. Hit up http://stickam.com/deshi1978 for my awesome profile and to hear my latest freestyles.

Going to jail in Iowa

This is a story about the time me and the band tried to go to California, and I ended up in jail. Heading out from Wisconsin one early morning on a half ass planned trip to California, it was just like any other spontanious thing we have done as a band. It was cold as all hell it was the middle of January, and snowing slightly. We packed up the banged up car I had gotten from Neil's mum. The back story on this dodge aries k is a little strange too. His mum got side swiped by a semi truck and it messed up the driver side of the car pretty bad, but it was still driveable it just had no driver side window which made it cold in winter. So we load up this car with our crap and headed south into Illinois. Everything was going great till we got into Iowa. We were in Iowa City area on the interstate when we decided to stop for gas and coffee, and donuts. So we got our stuff and went to leave and there was a 4 way stop sign with a flashing light since it was a construction zone and the stop lights were not working. I stopped for a few minutes it was dead on a Sunday morning, and I remember stirring my coffee. We got about 300 feet down the road after I went and boom get pulled over. The cop was a total asshole and claimed the car did not look safe for highway travel, and he claimed I blew the stop sign. So he ran my license and oh man turns out I was suspended in Wisconsin and never was notified about it. So they impounded the car, took me to jail, and told the rest of the band I had no chance of posting to get released anytime soon. The cops then dropped off the band at the bus station. Meanwhile I was in a jail cell after being strip searched, and all this for a freaking misdemeanor. So I was in there for about 4 hours when I started to get high blood sugar from my diabetes, so I called for a guard and they came and took me to their medical unit. Well they did not know how to handle me because there was no nurse on duty. So instead they got a judge in there on a Sunday morning and he asked if I would pay a fine if they let me go so I said sure, and they let me go just like that. Well the police station was about 6 blocks from the bus station where they told me they took the band. So i ran all the way there and just as i ran up the bus was leaving with the band on it. Once again I was up shit creek with a turd for a paddle. I ended up getting a free ride from a cab driver over to the big truck stop that was up the road about 2 blocks from the impound where my car was at. I didn't have any money left so I had to wait till the band got back home before they could wire me some cash to get my car. So I spent a couple days living out of this truck stop and waiting for cash. Finally i get the cash from Curt but it was not quite enough. Lucky for me the woman working the impound lot covered the other 25$ i didnt have to get my car back. lucky for me I also had just gassed it up before i was stopped so I had a full tank. I bolted out of Iowa like a bat out of hell heading back to Wisconsin pissed off the entire time that my band mates and good friends just left me there so quickly. I forgot there was tollways on the way back so I had to keep stopping at rest areas to bum money off people there. Ran into one nice guy that gave me 20$ I was pretty happy, I was able to take care of the tolls and put more gas in to get home. about 6 hours after the impound lot I was crossing the border back into Wisconsin. I went straight for Neil's place to bitch them out. Well it was uneventful I got there and bitched and then we all got drunk n high and the next life story will be the 2nd attempt at the California tour with a different band about a month later. If you enjoy my stories please donate it keeps me motivated.

Another mediocre day

Today is well another mediocre day in my life. It is not bad, and not entirely the best day either. I am really looking forward to moving to Florida. Time to start over and get my ass back up off the ground. I guess so many people need to stop looking at the negative in shit in their lives. I see it every day in chat. They sit and complain about how shitty their lives are, or how repressed they are, when they really do not have it so bad as some other people out there. The grass is always greener and the grass is always deader, just depends on your perspective. Oh well. I am 2 weeks away from taking off and starting good things. I still need to get some cash today or tomorrow for some syringes and another bottle of the over the counter insulin but im sure things will pan out. Shouts to Vampire Nation for just being good people. Most of the people in that chat are down to earth and kind, and compassionate. Without them I wouldn't of made it this far.

Moving soon

Well I finally got the money pretty much all gathered up to move to florida. I still need to raise about $100 to cover some medications for the trip down there on the buss. I will be moving to Ocala, FL staying with this woman I met on the net. I am really excited about this now that it is able to actually become reality. Moving there will allow me to not live with family, and let me qualify for medical assistance and probably disability. I plan to get back to writing raps and recording more often so I can actually drop an album before I get old. Thanks to all who have been supporting me on this shit. So many people I thought were my dawgs were just players and bullshitters, but now I am smarter then that. I no longer believe even 5% of the shit people tell me online. The internet is a foundation for people to bullshit and pretend to be gangsta.

12:50 press return

Results of today's quest for free medication: Bullshit! I am so fed up with calling places asking and begging for help, and im really sick of filling out paperwork and waiting for months on end only to not hear back from places, or get denied because I have lack of proof that I am poor. This world is falling apart and I no longer give a royal fuck. The rate I am going I will be dead before summer is even over. I am so sick of how people out there are able to lie and get SSI or disability and they have nothing at all wrong with them, and here I sit all messed up and I get turned away left and right. I guess I cannot expect the rest of the country to support my ass anymore, seems that compassion is no longer a human quality, and neither is philanthropy. We are a lost cause as humans and I hope everyone gets some nasty diseases they can't cure or treat, and I hope they all die a horrible, slow, and very painful death. I am growing more and more cold to the world, I am starting to not feel any emotion when I hear about people dying now. I now contemplate deeply how long I can continue this charade that everything is OK. I guess soon I will have to stop going on the video chat on camera because I will look too sickly and I hate sympathy, I have pity, and I know that is what I will get when people see me all sick in bed, or in the hospital. So yay I am 31 years old and all I have to look forward to is county hospice care once I reach that point... which could be soon.

This sucks

Well today sucks ass. A person was supposed to be donating a significant amount of funds to me 2 days ago and still has not come through for me, and now I am getting sicker. With each day I now grow weaker, and my will weakens with me. I fear I am destitute. I fear only the failure, not death itself...

Day 1 of new blog

So this is my new blog site since wickedradio.org took a shit and went down due to lack of funding. Oh well I can't expect people to be compassionate in this world anymore. I have been trying to overcome all the diseases I have with little success. This summer has been better then usual, mostly due to the higher heat and humidity, those things seem to help most of my conditions. I recently lost all my medical assistance cause I can't seem to prove I am poor, go figure. I have been denied several times for social security disability, and SSI, they claim I am not disabled and that I should be able to work. Lately I have been thinking of trying to move back to either California, or to new territory uncharted to me in Florida. Either one seems to be nothing more then a pipe dream for me since I can't afford to just up and move cross the country. I accept donations on paypal with the email radio@wickedradio.org but there has been hardly any donations worth a darn coming in since I lost the website for the radio show. Now I am resorting to street begging it seems since there is no other options at the moment. I have filled out all paperwork yet again for the medical programs, disability, free clinic help, all that stuff and its all in the mail. I am sitting on just a few weeks of medication that will keep me alive, so if nothing happens by then I guess it is all over for me. I just have this blog now to get my story out there and hope that maybe just 1 person will read it and that change can happen to our system. Though I really doubt that will happen. I have a better chance of playing pick up sticks with my butt cheeks then I do of seeing change ever happen, or getting the benefits I need. Either way this is probably my last year on this planet since cold weather damn near does me in, and I am stuck it seems in Wisconsin for another brutal winter coming up. If it is anything like last year then this will be the worst I have ever felt. During the winter I spend nearly every week in the hospital. ER visits every other day, being admitted once or twice a month for various conditions i have. ok that is all I will put in this first post I may post several times a day or less it all depends. Please make a donation if you read my blog, every dollar adds up to saving my life in the literal sense.