Funny things

Funny how when you are beat down nearly to death, and weaker then you could imagine, some of our best inspiration hits us hard at that time. Well I have seen this coming for many years, and it is high time I stop turning away from it, and embrace it for what it really is. I have no idea what this means. Could mean I quit using all computers and tech, shut down Wicked Radio, and just pursue criminal justice. Since nobody every helps me think about things I always make bad choices, so this time i will not make anymore choices a lone, no matter what situation i get put in, I do not want to have to think about everything logically and under extreme pressure. If you want to help please comment on here from time to time. PS I need lots n lots of friends, I only know 2 people in person anymore and that is not enough to keep the thought of humanity going inside my mind/
-Where am I and why am I in this basket?-

Hospital again!

I know it has been quite some time between posting. That was because I thought I have my gastroparesis and Diabetes under control. Boy was I wrong! I am stuck in intensive care unit right now with only a laptop to keep me company even though I'm growing more and More pissed off because I cannot my my fingers work like they used to. So fuck it there will be typos until myself or someone else actually cares enough to make it right. Thursday the 1st of august i woke up really sick to my stomach and puking into my trash can. I thought maybe this was just another sour stomach flu that I heard was going around. after about 7 solid hours of nonstop puling, bile, blood, and other mystery fluids I decided to have my dad drive me to Madison, WI to Meriter hospital where I generally Gert outstanding treatment. I was rushed up to a room and admitted to the hospital within 10 minutes after arriving. I feel with the rate of typo's on this blog and the lame distractions from puissant Jen who wont shut about about how great and clean she feels. joy to the guy smelling like dirty diaper in the hospital bed.i will blog later this shit has me all pissed off now

who really reads this shit?

do people really read these blogs? oh well. man life is just shit out there. people like me that cannot be a regular part of a society that condemns us. thats what it is all about. Society is bullshit, the biggest scam posh club. oh we have to do what society says is right, well fuck that i'm gonna do what i want. i'm gonna party, i'm gonna fuck my life up, i'm gonna hack the hell out of networks regardless of laws, or someone's petty feelings. FUCK SOCIETY! it is the bottom of the barrel. live for the dollar oh yeah that is fun and worthwhile, so by the time you make all your millions you missed all the great shit life has to offer. not that anyone reads this shit anyways so this will be my last post on here. nobody ever gave a shit about me or wicked radio, they only were interested in something higher then me. so fuck that. Wicked Radio is closed officially. I hate everyone now, 99% of the people in this internet are full of shit liars. pathological liars that come out to play on the internet because it is hard to verify the pure bullshit that flows from their flaccid mouths. maybe i was not meant to be on earth yet, somehow i came before I was supposed to be here. So this is my exit to the world. Deshi and this life is over and gone. There is no more Deshi James Volanti. He had a good run at life, and realized it was not ready. Maybe he will come back in another life, or perhaps in another world. This world as it is had no place for people like Deshi. Now I'm Nothing.

Living with Gastroparesis

Joshua Rundle

Life with a rare disease can be overwhelming a lot of the time. It can break anyone, it doesn’t matter if you are a body builder, or a computer programmer. This disease can test your ability to handle things most people would rather die than deal with. I have been living with Gastroparesis, and type 2 Diabetes for over 11 years now, and I am ready for the end to come for me.

Most of my childhood was normal minus having type 1 diabetes, so I was what I would say overprotected by my family. It also caused a lot of anxiety issues I believe, because you always had to be sure you were prepared anytime you left the house. The only things I really missed out on as a child was the parties, and meeting other kids. I did not have more than one or two friends growing up. A lot of kids couldn’t handle being around me for fear of getting it. At this point in my life there is nothing from my childhood I regret, or want to do over.

It was when I was just about to turn 20 when I had the gastroparesis (GP) first start to set in. Many trips to the ER with my girlfriend spending days on end in just the ER. Then it slowly turned to being admitted in the hospital for sometimes 2 weeks or more trying to figure out what was going wrong with me. Stomach emptying tests using radioactive elements, upper and lower G.I’s. For years I felt like a test lab rat. I had a lot of doctors say things like “well we will just keep poking at it till it gets better”. It never got better, it only got much worse.

I finally found a really good doctor when I was 22 and he helped me out a lot. He first diagnosed me with the GP, and began to try different experimental treatments since there was nothing on the market already for this horrible disease. Some of the medications I got came from Canada because the USA would not approve them for sale here. Things were rolling but I wouldn’t say progress was being made with the GP.

Now until here you have heard about the disease, and a little bit about what it does. Now you will hear about the horrible side of things, and why I am so ready to end my life on my own and be done with a world that seems to of lost compassion. The GP has deadly effects. I sometimes vomit 40+ times per hour. It causes severe retching that can lead to an aneurysm. I have lost 15 pounds in a matter of days from throwing up so often, and having tissue get burned up. I can eat just about anything I want and not gain weight, so I am generally always way underweight. Then there is the ever-present pain. This pain never totally goes away either. Imagine you have a blender in your stomach on frappe that is what it feels like on a good day. On a bad day the pain is so bad it makes me puke and black out for an hour at a time. I suffer chronic pain and nausea from the nerve damage and again nothing helps.

What have I tried for treatments? Glad you asked. I have tried almost everything here and abroad. Zofran, Compazine, and Phenergan all 3 failed for nausea. Ativan also failed for nausea but does help slightly with the muscle spasms in my stomach. Dilaudid is the only pain medication that actually worked and worked well, but the doctor I see claims it will do more harm than good because narcotics will slow down my already slow guy and intestines, but I could give a rat’s ass about that, I do have Miralax to keep things normal. I would rather live with the side effect then to have the pain and nausea. Oh yeah the dilaudid also prevents most of the nausea. The only other medication that has helped at all is marijuana believe it or not. It kills the nausea totally dead, brings the pain down to a level I can deal with, gives me a bit of energy, makes me want to eat, and generally makes me feel like a human.

I don’t know when doctors stopped being compassionate, or perhaps I always end up with the wrong doctor. The meds I do need to feel comfortable and have a quality of life back they will not give me because so many “others” abuse it. Well I am not others, and I am tired of hurting so much. I am Tired of being stuck in a house all the time with no human contact. That takes me to the next step of this paper, life without friends.

I never did have many friends growing up, and into my adult life I just sort of got really picky and generally just talked to people on the Internet. Most people I know locally don’t seem to want to come here to spend time with me. I hate it that I have to try and drive myself to people places risking my freedom because I have no drivers license, and risking my life because I can’t drive very well anymore due to loss of vision and loss of feelings in my feet. Nothing sucks worse then being in the middle of a small GP flare up and having nobody to help you even get to the bathroom. I have had to call 911 most of the times I get that sick because nobody can or will take me the 40 miles to the good hospital. The local hospital is a joke, it is mostly old folks living there and most of the medical floors are shut down. In this hospital at Edgerton Community Hospital I have literally had nurses and doctors yell at me saying it was my fault, and that I didn’t try hard enough. Had doctors say stuff like “oh your gastroparesis shouldn’t hurt that bad” how the hell would he know, nerve damage I am sure feels different to most everyone. Then they labeled me drug seeking and every time I go in there now before they say anything they be sure to tell me they will not give me a narcotic. Which is fine as long as they do have something that will work, and in my history nothing but dilaudid has stopped the GP flare ups.

If you think that is the worst of it think again, yeah I know this is a sad story. I have no medical assistance, no insurance, no help whatsoever. I sometimes I have scam people online or steal things and pawn them just to get medications to stay alive. I get denied off every program and they never flat out say why. I tried social security they said I have to have work credits, Medicare said I had to be 65 or older, the local help you have to pay just to apply so that is not happening. I can only work from home now so finding a legitimate job is very difficult. I have no source of any income, I am a student in college only so I can get more loans to help pay for meds but student loans are very small compared to the high cost of my medications and treatments.

So that is my short paper on life with this disease. I wake up every morning wanting to overdose and die, I hate life, I hate humanity now, I even hate myself because something inside tells me maybe it is all my fault and I didn’t try hard enough. Who knows? I am not a doctor so I couldn’t tell yah. Maybe someday there will be a cure or at least a working treatment. Until that time I will lay here suffering, begging the reaper to come take my life while I sleep tonight.

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Yet another day

Yet another day has passed. Yes it feels great! OK so it is not so great, just another day huh? I am thinking about departing with Wicked Radio and letting it die. I have done that part of my life for a long ass time, and I think it is time to let it go and move on to other things. I am thinking a lot about producing a video series on ustream and stickam streaming video networks. I am also doing a lot more work with my comedy act trying to tweak it and make it better for stage performances. I guess I will keep blogging here for those wanting to keep up on what I have going on. There is a lot of side projects going for the spring and summer months. I will be bringing back DeshiCom and try to get some sort of career going in case my comedy does not pay the bills. That is all for now, Deshi out...